Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
