weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
