Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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