Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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