So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
