Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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