remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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