Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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