dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
sex in a hospital.. check
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
