i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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