So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
