Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
