I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
