the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
