it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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