We got so high we made milksteak
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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