i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
