Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
What a dumb baby whore.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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