seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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