i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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