I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
