Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dignity is for republicans.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
