well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
