....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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