dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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