I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
