i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
