Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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