We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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