I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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