Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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