proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you didnt know i had herpes?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
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