I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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