guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
