Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
