FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
