it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
