Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
