Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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