Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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