Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
