He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
