Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
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I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
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Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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