And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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