She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
