there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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