My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
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So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just need some of your time and all of your body.