I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic