Don't make out with my wife yet
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
