i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
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Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world