Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.