i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.