Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
