im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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