I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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