I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
