I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
