I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
