his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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