Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
