i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
