I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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