You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
