I puked a lego.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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